What's Next

[ in collaboration with Jasmine Lawrence ]

I’ve always hated this question… what's next?

I don't know what my future is

Whatever I pursue is my future

I know of a million possibilities, but I can only spurt one answer in reality

I’m not ready for what’s coming next for me

I’m okay with not knowing what it will be

Past memories are a hope for the future

They’re a hope and a cure for jealousy

Jealousy for the missing piece of my heart, held by a missing person

I yearn to build relationships

To open that floodgate, to dig deeper

Let it flood… and fill those holes

We’re 60 years apart and that doesn’t separate us 

I’ve been waiting for my heart to open up again

Let things be still and let me have the stability & consistency I so much deserve

Tilt the hourglass and let time stand still for a bit

For me to take a breath

And spend that moment in time with people I care about

I’m afraid of starting over

It’s easier to make peace with the moment than to hope for a better future that might never become the present

Let me be happy and filled with joy

Because I fear it might be taken away in a moment

‘Energy is wasted hoping for an undefined future

I don't want to invite out of obligation, I want you to not be nothing to me

It scares me that the ticking bomb without a timestamp will explode without any notice

And I’ll find myself alone with regrets and questions of “I should have”

Is there ever enough time?

Who will be next to me when I’m their age?

Will we share rings? Will we laugh together? Or will I just be me?

The weight of uncertainty reminds me why i hate hearing that question

Let alone answering it

No affirmation, no rejection, no denial, no acceptance

So what’s next..?